I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
