waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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