i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
