Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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