grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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