I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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