Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Houston, we have a squirter
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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