He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
