I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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