I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
as a side note pls kill me
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