There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
