If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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