He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
