I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
