Will you blow on my dice?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
