The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
