a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sober January is a disaster.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize