Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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