Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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