This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
