STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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