My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
