and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
