"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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