I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
