well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
