highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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