I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
