It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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