dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize