i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
