Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
