I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
