How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
