Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
