There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dear god my vagina.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize