hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
