My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
