chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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