Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
