Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't turn off my feet"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's shark week go big or go home
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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