Betty ford says i'm here all night
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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