i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
