WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
