i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
