I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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