why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
