that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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