I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
