the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize