I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
