I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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