if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
