her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
only if we run a train.
done.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
