she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
