My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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