Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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