Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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