Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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