He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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