I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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