Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
