i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
