My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What a dumb baby whore.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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